Update

So it has been a while since I dropped the bomb on my blog about our baby and I thought it would be a good time to update everyone because I know I would be wondering.

So first off, we have decided to name this precious baby girl Opal Mary McIntosh. The name Opal came to me in a dream and Mary is for my Aunt Mary and Michael's grandma Mary. Over the past few weeks I have began to feel her move and my oh my how I love her. I tried so very hard to detach myself from this experience and now I am head first in it. I was so afraid to feel her move because emotionally I had been trucking through and I thought it might really break me, but it has helped me to understand that this is her life and I am literally carrying her entire being inside my belly. I have been very realistic about this entire thing and have tried to keep it in the front of my mind that Opal will never be here with my other girls. I think that this is the one gift I was given in life is to deal with crazy terrible shit really well ;)

I have had my down times and usually they are every week when I hear her little heart still beating. Those Wednesdays are my worst. I have not been able to work as much due to just not being able to hold it together and add another ounce of stress on my plate. I have found that taking photographs has helped me to feel whole and breath, for the clients I have had in the past couple of months I owe you big time! A few weeks ago Michael and I took our girls to get some dinner and then down to the river to play at a park and Bam! it hit me as we were walking this trail that Opal will never walk with us, that I will never push her on a swing, or wash her dirty knees. I cannot explain this experience as anything other than bizarre and so freaking sad. I mean literally I am just sad all the time. I am making it though! I laugh everyday, I try to do something to make a memory with my girls everyday, and the pain I feel I do not wish to suppress just yet because i think what I am feeling is normal, I mean who wouldn't be sad?!

We have had two ultrasounds since the last post and Opal progresses to get worse and worse. There was a month between each and within that month her hygroma doubled and took over my womb to where I have no amniotic fluid left, her body is so very swollen that you cannot even see her precious little eyes, nose, or lips, her heart is surrounded by fluid and only has 3 chambers, she also has not developed any lungs. All of this has resulted in my measurements being 29 weeks instead of the 22 weeks I really am. AKA I'm huge!When she is up on the screen in front of us she doesn't move much, she just sits with her swollen legs crossed and her hand beneath her chin. I cry every time I leave that room for my baby who continues to hold even though she can't be comfortable in there with the amount of fluid inside of her.

This past Monday was the last ultrasound and they informed me that there is a possibility of her hygroma rupturing and if that happens it is alright but won't help her. The only way they will induce early is if she is at risk inside the womb or I become at risk(high blood pressure, swelling)They have no clue when she will die, all they say is it is up to her and God.

I have been angry for quite some time because I just don't get why my family and I have to go through this and why my poor little Opal has this life that will never really "be". Everyone says, "God only gives you what you can handle" but come on! I am not handling this really. Why is sadness and death something your supposed to handle?! Why is it okay to lay things like this one people's plates and expect them to choke it down and not die from sadness?

Our girls are doing alright, except Maddi cries whenever she talks about Opal. She said she is just so sad to never have her as her sister. I try to talk to her as much as possible about it and of course I cry every time as well. Michael seems to be moving along but I can see the sadness in his eyes when he looks at me and it breaks my heart to know I cannot take that away. He is such an amazing man and is so supportive and loving, I do not think I would be the person I am today without him.

For now I think we are all just ready to move on. I feel so awful saying this but I hope every week that Opal decides to give up so that my family can begin to heal from the birth of our sweet baby. Please forgive me if that sounds terrible, I really do love her I just am not sure how much more we can all handle.