Friday, June 28, 2013


So here it goes. This will be the last post I do to talk about this publicly and hopefully it gives me some closure. This will not be as detailed for the privacy of my family but I will say what happened. On 6/26 I went in for my routine heart tone check at the office with my favorite doctor, I had not felt Opal move the day before at all and was thinking she might have passed. That morning though I thought I felt her move so my hopes were down that my poor baby was still holding on to a life that could not be comfortable for her or for me. I got to the office with family in tow, which I am sure the office staff finds funny that I always bring kids and husband with me since there are 5 of us. I went back alone so that Michael could keep Vaeda happy for as long as possible. Dr.V came back quickly and I was telling her I didn't feel Opal move the day before and she said "Well let's see what is going on" As she put the doppler to my big belly we did not hear a heart tone that was out of the 70's thinking that could be mine she continued to push over my belly(which was sore for some reason this time) and she said the words I had been waiting to hear "Kristan I am not hearing Opal today. Let's go back and check through ultrasound to make sure we are not missing her" I imediatly broke down crying and said "oh my God I just want this to be over" and with tears in her eyes she just said "I know, let's go see what's happening" So in the back of the building they have an older ultra sound machine and we booted it up and took a look at my puffy baby and sure enough we were not seeing a heart beat. There was a slight pinpoint dot that was moving so she wanted to send me over to get a better ultra sound to make sure. 
From there they sent me over to St.Elizabeth to check to see if my baby had died. We dropped our girls off with Michael's mom and we left for the hospital. I had a mix of emotions that I cannot really describe. Once we got there, they got us back fairly quickly. It was the sam tech we had the week before when we found out Opal was so much worse. She was so kind and got me set up fast. As they pulled our sweet baby up on the screen we all could clearly see she had passed away. I did not know how to feel. I was unbelieveably sad and yet so ready to move on with my life. There were a lot of tears and then we had to leave to get our things to return to the hospital for delivery. When we went to tell the girls we got to my mother in laws and Maddi met us at the steps and Michael told her and she gave me a hug and I just cried as I held my first precious gift from God I had received. We left and went home to tidy the house and get some things. I had a slew of people to help us with the girls while we were gone so that helped. My dear friend Becky called in to work the following day and came and spent the night with the girls and my mother in law helped as well. 
As we drove to the hospital there was a thunderstorm and staring out my car window I remember thinking how suiting the weather was for a day so sad. Michael dropped me at the front door and went to park the car and as I was going to get on the elevators the electric went out in the entire hospital, I'm talking pitch black. It came back on within 30 seconds and I took the stairs up a floor to labor and delivery. Skipping over all of the other prep, I was given cytotec I believe it's called to get my cervix to dialate. They give you a dose every 4 hours until you are dialated enough to either get petocin or deliver the baby. I had three doses and by the third I had an epideral. At about 8 I felt like I could push and sure enough my water had broke and she was ready to make her enterance earthside. I didn't really even have to push and she was born. Her tiny swollen body weighing in at 2lb 8oz. I didn't think I wanted to hold or see her but it was all I wanted at that moment. I will not go into anymore details other than I was blessed with a fantastic nurse staff and doctor that made this entire experience bareable. I will say that if I did not have my amazing husband I would not be where I am today. He is my everything and with him by my side I can survive anything.
Opal will be cremated and returned to us in the next day or so. We are not sure what are plans are from there but we are beginning to heal. The emotions I have felt have been like no other. 
Relief, Sadness, Dispair, Love, Thankfulness
Right now I look at this perfect family I have and thank God for all I have been given and have a new realization that no matter what ups and downs we are faced we are so lucky to have this life together.
My dear friend Sara photographed our family 2 days before the birth/death of Opal. Just in time I said.

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