Thursday, June 20, 2013

Update

So it has been a while since I dropped the bomb on my blog about our baby and I thought it would be a good time to update everyone because I know I would be wondering.
So first off, we have decided to name this precious baby girl Opal Mary McIntosh. The name Opal came to me in a dream and Mary is for my Aunt Mary and Michael's grandma Mary. Over the past few weeks I have began to feel her move and my oh my how I love her. I tried so very hard to detach myself from this experience and now I am head first in it. I was so afraid to feel her move because emotionally I had been trucking through and I thought it might really break me, but it has helped me to understand that this is her life and I am literally carrying her entire being inside my belly. I have been very realistic about this entire thing and have tried to keep it in the front of my mind that Opal will never be here with my other girls. I think that this is the one gift I was given in life is to deal with crazy terrible shit really well ;)
I have had my down times and usually they are every week when I hear her little heart still beating. Those Wednesdays are my worst. I have not been able to work as much due to just not being able to hold it together and add another ounce of stress on my plate. I have found that taking photographs has helped me to feel whole and breath, for the clients I have had in the past couple of months I owe you big time! A few weeks ago Michael and I took our girls to get some dinner and then down to the river to play at a park and Bam! it hit me as we were walking this trail that Opal will never walk with us, that I will never push her on a swing, or wash her dirty knees. I cannot explain this experience as anything other than bizarre and so freaking sad. I mean literally I am just sad all the time. I am making it though! I laugh everyday, I try to do something to make a memory with my girls everyday, and the pain I feel I do not wish to suppress just yet because i think what I am feeling is normal, I mean who wouldn't be sad?!
We have had two ultrasounds since the last post and Opal progresses to get worse and worse. There was a month between each and within that month her hygroma doubled and took over my womb to where I have no amniotic fluid left, her body is so very swollen that you cannot even see her precious little eyes, nose, or lips, her heart is surrounded by fluid and only has 3 chambers, she also has not developed any lungs. All of this has resulted in my measurements being 29 weeks instead of the 22 weeks I really am. AKA I'm huge!When she is up on the screen in front of us she doesn't move much, she just sits with her swollen legs crossed and her hand beneath her chin. I cry every time I leave that room for my baby who continues to hold even though she can't be comfortable in there with the amount of fluid inside of her.
This past Monday was the last ultrasound and they informed me that there is a possibility of her hygroma rupturing and if that happens it is alright but won't help her. The only way they will induce early is if she is at risk inside the womb or I become at risk(high blood pressure, swelling)They have no clue when she will die, all they say is it is up to her and God.
I have been angry for quite some time because I just don't get why my family and I have to go through this and why my poor little Opal has this life that will never really "be". Everyone says, "God only gives you what you can handle" but come on! I am not handling this really. Why is sadness and death something your supposed to handle?! Why is it okay to lay things like this one people's plates and expect them to choke it down and not die from sadness?
Our girls are doing alright, except Maddi cries whenever she talks about Opal. She said she is just so sad to never have her as her sister. I try to talk to her as much as possible about it and of course I cry every time as well. Michael seems to be moving along but I can see the sadness in his eyes when he looks at me and it breaks my heart to know I cannot take that away. He is such an amazing man and is so supportive and loving, I do not think I would be the person I am today without him.
For now I think we are all just ready to move on. I feel so awful saying this but I hope every week that Opal decides to give up so that my family can begin to heal from the birth of our sweet baby. Please forgive me if that sounds terrible, I really do love her I just am not sure how much more we can all handle.

7 comments:

  1. You have given her a BEAUTIFUL name!! You all are always in our thoughts and prayers. We are just a phone call/text away if you need anything! You are without a doubt one of the strongest families that I know. Much love sent your way!!

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  2. Lauren Boone HardyJune 20, 2013 at 4:24 PM

    Kristan,
    There aren't words to express how deeply sorry I am for your situation; my heart literally breaks as I have read your last few blog posts. You are an amazing individual to handle something so monumental with the grace and fortitude that you have. My thoughts and prayers are with you an your family during this hard time, and I wish you the strength to begin healing.

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  3. Thanks Kim we are fortunate to have you both in our lives :) and Lauren thanks for following along and for thinking of me, hope your doing well!

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  4. The strength you and your family have is truly inspiring. You have no idea how much your testimony will help to strengthen others. Your girls, all for of them, are so blessed to have a mother like you, they will forever remember the grace and commitment and LOVE you have demonstrated. Through continuing to cherish the time you've been given, you are showing what real faith is, something most people will never understand. You and your family will be added to the prayer list at Violet Ridge Church of Christ. We will be praying for God to comfort and bless your family and to help you carry this tremendous weight.

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  5. Lindsay RamstetterJune 23, 2013 at 2:00 PM

    You are right, I have been wondering how you and your family are doing. As far as God only giving you what you can handle, it's all a matter of perspective. Yes, you will handle it and but no one ever said handling it isn't painful, exhausting and almost crippling. What you wrote about Maddi just breaks my heart. I can not even fathom what she must be feeling. I was fortunate that I lost my pregnancy before I could feel movement. But each loss teaches the family something positive. It sounds like Opal is bonding with all of you from the inside. She has brought everyone even more together and is bringing out the perfect love in everyone. She has committed no sins, never fought with her sisters, never talked back to her parents...she is perfect in every way. Even though her life is short, she is living out her purpose in life to the fullest. Trying to figure out why horrible things like the illness and loss of a sweet baby happen will make you crazy. If you haven't already, try to find the reason why she was placed into your life, even though she could not stay.

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  6. I read and re-read your blog with a heavy heart, I am feeling badly that no one can fix this or make it go away. There is a reason, something that will appear to you, your girls, or Micheal, maybe this will influence someone you dont even know is watching. Right now she is yours, only you and Opal are sharing only what a Mother and child can share before they are born. You get to have all this special bond. You will know her like no other person will or can. You are her source of energy, love, protection, warmth, safety. She is at peace with you surrounding her. YOU are doing everything a Mother could do and more. You have invested feelings in her, knowing that the hurt will strike your heart with a terrible forces, but you love her inspite of everything. Not all people or Mothers can do that. For that I admire you. Love her with all you have for and during her short time with you. She will help you in learning about pure love and all those around you will profit from your knowledge and experience. Loved you and little Opal. Love, Aunt Laurie

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  7. @Lindsay-Thank you for thinking of us and I see your perspective on the God giving me what I can handle. Maddi is surrounded by many people who care and love her and have really stepped up in the past week to help he and I can see a change.
    @Aunt Laurie....you are the BEST! I love you and am so thankful to have you in my life!

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